The Final Scorcher of the Season. Match Report March 2014

Alas, like a tasty curry, all good things must come to an end. So it is with the final hurrah down at Scorching Bay, in what is the most fun event of the season, the team event. Instead of the usual long distance, which is not really all that enjoyable on a wet windy day, this one is a super sprint. Today was not wet nor windy and was perfect as it is every 9 out of 9 Scorchers. Moreover, this had to be the most fun loving happy event I can remember. Everyone seemed to be laughing, having fun chatting with each and every one, with some even dressed appropriately for the occasion. So, what were you lot in wetsuits doing on a wonderfully warm day???

More on the final event in a moment. First of all what has Ember been up to. Ember has been reviewing health and behaviour as this is what Ember does now and again, in particularly the Nek Nominate phenomenon. For those who are unaware, the point of this “game” is to drink yourself silly, film it on your mobile device, post it on a social media site, challenge your mates to go one better. And life goes on. Well, actually it does not for some as there are many reports of people taking the challenge, drinking too much alcohol in a short space of time then dying as a result. It is not big, nor clever and frankly remarkably stupid and incredibly dangerous. Do not do it. So, what has this got to do with Triathlons I hear you ponder? Well it is Strava. This is the Nek Nominate for athletes, but a lot healthier as the challenge is to swim, cycle and, run faster longer and more frequent than your mates. What is becoming the norm these days, many of us have some sort of GPS device which records our speed, route, heart rate etcetera when out training. Ember got such a device for her/his birthday, so is now an elite athlete. The information from the GPS gadget can then be uploaded into Strava. All good healthy fun and I see from the Strava website that several scorchees and scorchettes have accounts. However, Strava can be as bad as Nek Nominate with potentially dire consequences. For the most part, Strava is a wonderful inspiring tool to enhance and encourage training. If like Ember, the reality of getting into the top 10 of a segment, a nominated section of route for either running or cycling is very unlikely. Or is it? Being the least athletic triathlete in New Zealand, Ember has one way to do well and perhaps, take the accolade of a top 10 place in a segment, even might get top spot. How? Naturally, being of more generous proportions, gravity is my very good friend when going downhill. Not so when going uphill, gravity laughs and taunts me while Isaac Newton throws apples in my face!! So is there a Strava section which is downhill, where Ember can do well? Indeed, there are many and Ember is sitting in a top 10 position in at least one of them. Suddenly it dawned on Ember that going for a top spot on a downhill Strava section is as bad as Nek Nominate in many ways. Instead of excessive alcohol, excessive speed is the drug of choice spicing up an adrenalin and endorphin rush and the kudos of your peers. Also, like Nek Nominate it can end in tears. A single layer of Lycra is not going to offer much protection in a high speed off. So, the moral of this story is accumulate your own km’s on Strava but you do not need to be in the top in a segment, particularly if it means hurtling down a hill on a bike at a speed which is greater than your IQ.  Like Nek Nominate, it is not big, nor clever and frankly, remarkably stupid and incredibly dangerous. Ember has tried this so you do not have to. She/he has also perhaps broken a speed limit while cycling in pursuit of this goal. Ember is in the top 10 of a Strava segment, with an affronted IQ.

So to the fun of the Scorcher. Ember had taken the unusual tactic of training prior to this event and has actually been enjoying it. So in expectant anticipation and excitement of a potential PB, Ember’s heart sank when he spotted the Chief of Transition Police hawkishly marching around transition in the manner of Darth Vader patrolling the Death Star. So powerful are her abilities, a tyre on a racked bike in transition just exploded. Obviously, some poor unsuspecting triathlete came to the attention of Chief of Triathlon Police, their misdemeanour had been noted and the wrath was unleased. ‘You shall not race.’ Angel 2 was in town.

So to the race. Ember had heard of a master plan to get more points by doing legs 1 and 3 and score two sets of points. If two, why not three? If I was just fast enough to do this in under half an hour, I could do three legs all alone, score three sets of points, win the race and the points series and be champion. Great plan Ember! Whilst having multiple personality disorders, doing this three times as three separate persons in the same body would be easy. The half an hour for each leg was the stumbling block. Needless to say, I missed the 30 min target, had to swim the third leg while running the first leg, then do it all again for the second leg. Confused, I am.

So I avoided my nemesis, or so I thought. Angel 2 decided to trap me for a misdemeanour out on the run course. Thought transition was the hunting ground, but no! Angel 2 followed me in a car out on the run course. Honest guvnor, I have never once broken a rule at the Scorching Bay Triathlons. For the first time ever, today,  I stepped inside one cone on the run course onto the road. I had to, there was a bus driving down the verge inside the cones and I had nowhere to go! One cone in 89 triathlons and who was there to spot this, Chief of Transition Police in mobile tactical unit one, (Daryl’s car.) I thought I was to be arrested, but no, that would be easy. Angel 2 and her supernatural powers managed to induce crippling cramps in both my legs, reducing me to a stuttering hobble from the sub 3 min 10 second paced striding sprint I usually bound around the run course. ‘You shall not race’. Indeed, Angel 2 was most definitely in town.

It seemed I was not the only one to attract the fury of Angel 2. Clearly someone managed to escape the psychic powers of Angel 2 out on the course, but a call into the finish line meant Angel 1 greeted one finisher with a bucket of water. I always thought Angel 1 was the good guy. But even Angel 1 must obey the manic instructions of Angel 2.

Well done to the winning teams. You were lucky! Great calls in the prize giving. Well done David Condom. I know not your real name but it sticks now! If you did not win, Angel 2 was going to call for Peter Prophylactic, then Rodger Rubber if you had not been there to claim the prize.

Another season complete. Hey, we all survived. Hats off to the sporting types in speedos. Now I know what I am supposed to look like. Well done all the marshals, life guards, helpers, supporters, Mr and Mrs Angel’s parents. Hope you all enjoyed the day. Thanks everyone for taking part and making this the most fun Scorcher of the season. For the first timer who won my recovery pack, curry, chocolate and beer – enjoy. You now feel obliged to do it all again next season. Thanks Angel 1 for another enjoyable summer of getting up so early on a Sunday morning before I have even gone to bed on a Saturday night. Angel 2 ………
This is Smouldering Ember signing off for another season. Daryl, are we going to the pub for the post season curry and chips?

Smouldering Ember
March 2014.
(Probably has not won the point series, nor anything else today or this season. Ember never wins.)

PS. Just a final point on Strava and recording of your athletic achievements on a GPS device. If you do not take your GPS device or forget to switch it on during a run, swim of ride, does your effort actually count? Moreover, did you actually do it? If it’s not on Strava, it did not happen, do it again!

Who / what is Smouldering Ember?

In the Launch email for the 2012-13 season we began a search for a Scorching Ambassador. Someone who ‘got’ the series.  Who understood what it was about and who could best share this with other participants by the way of helpful blogs  and any other way in which to best spread the word on the street about Scorching Triathlons throughout the season (now seasons!).   Preferring to keep a little mystery around their identity, our Scorching Ambassador is called “Smouldering Ember”.

Smouldering Ember’s first Scorching Triathlon was 2011, and they have been a regular ever since.  Through this journey they learnt a few things and have put together this article for you all to enjoy and learn from as we begin the season.

Thank you yet again Smoulders for yet another wonderfully funny season of recaps

Look out for more from the Smouldering Ember  sometime soon

Smouldering Ember is also happy to take questions, so don’t be shy