Excitement of a new triathlon season is around the corner. So what will this season bring? Well unless you are Lachlan Davey, Natalie Hardaker or Tony Buckingham for example you will not be tasting the sweet nectar of victory but the acerbic palate of yet another trouncing. In light of this, thought I would give some pre season advice on sorting out your excuses for not doing well
- “I have pulled a hamstring (or any other muscle.)” Not good enough. You have blown, dislocated, exploded that muscle.Amplify the nature of the injury so as to gain maximum justification for not winning. In fact, let’s be even more precise, say you have erupted your zygomatic major. Remember not to smile when you use this excuse.
- “I had a bad curry last night.” This is a lie. There is no such thing as a bad curry. If you use this as an excuse, you are really saying you have some serious digestive disorder, such as spontaneous bacterial peritonitis. If this is the case, suggest you head directly to hospital, do not hang around for the spot prizes. Like the triathlon, you will not win a spot prize either.
- “I did not do enough training.” Well, that’s your own daft fault. Actually, how much is enough training? Ember never trains.
- “I was at a mates stag night/hen party last night and got wasted as.” This is only a valid excuse if you consider the inverse proportional relationship between age and alcohol consumption. We all know the younger you are, the more you can recover and perform the next day. The older you are the bigger the mess. This is an advisory, do not try this at home. Ember has done this under controlled conditions so you do not have to. He did not win the next day. He never wins. Also, it is not big or clever so do not do it.
- “I had mechanical trouble on the bike leg.” This is a genuine excuse we all use from time to time. However, to say you got a puncture on your penny farthing will not wash. They have solid rather than pneumatic tyres.Consider a more convincing excuse, such as the differential on your electronic GPS synchronization system had a power failure resulting in the drivetrain derailleur headset control structure malfunctioning. If this is too hard to remember, just say you got a puncture.
- “I went the wrong way on the swim/cycle/run.” Classic excuse. Thisdefence is only available to Tony Buckingham or Lachlan Davey, either of whom are the most likely winner of the series and the fact the scorchers have 2 minute head start on the scorchettes. These two are the only people who need to pay any attention to Angel 1 at the start of each event and review the course maps prior to the race. They will be in the lead, so just follow the person in front of you, who will be following the person in front ….. until the person in front is following Tony Buckingham or Lachlan Davey who know where to go. Thanks Lachlan and Tony, you pay attention so we do not have to. For first timers, the course maps are wonderfully perplexing. Please do not ask me for any advice re the course route. I will lie to you, such as you need to swim to Eastbourne Pier and back, and that is for the novice course. There is no dastardly deed I will not stoop to try in my attempt for Scorching victory!!! By the way Lachlan and Tony, a quick reminder, it is 32 laps of the cycle leg. Follow these two everyone.
- “I thought it was next week?” Muppet! Disappointed by the fact in this day of modern technology you do not have at least one electronic calendar which reminds you at least 325 times to get up ridiculously early and head to scorching bay to “compete” in the Scorching Triathlons. (The word compete only applies to Lachlan Davey, Natalie Hardaker or Tony Buckingham, for the rest of us, “compete, yeah right!” is more appropriate.)
- ”It was too windy for me.” Duh! We live in Wellington, get with the programme. This excuse is only applicable to the northern softies from Auckland.
- “I was stopped in transition by the transition police area commander for some spurious reason once again, probably for wearing the wrong type of haircut.” As I am the only one who is singled out by this gang of autocrats, only I can use this excuse, hence Ember will never win but always has an excuse!
- No more excuses!! Get your entry in and Ember looks forward to seeing you all bright eyed at Scorching Bay this season. For all of you out there thinking of doing your first ever triathlon, now is the time. You are welcome to use any of the excuses above at the end.
So who is Smouldering Ember? Smouldering Ember is the “Scorching Ambassador”. Someone who “got the series”. Who understood what it was about and who could best share this with other participants by the way of helpful blogs and any other way in which to best spread the word on the street about the Scorchers throughout the season. They are just a regular punter at the Scorchers, who loves a little mystery around their identity.
Look out for more from the Smouldering Ember as the season progresses.
Smouldering Ember is also happy to take questions, so don’t be shy..