Breaking News ……Smouldering Ember in First Place!

Winter Scorching season kicks off with the first duathlon. At last, Smouldering Ember is in first place on zero points for the new points table Actually, we are all first ….. and last. …. and everything in between, …..and  all equal. For the start of the season we are all in a quantum superposition where we are all and everything. I’ll take that as a win! First and last, and all the positions in between! Trouble is, as we all well know in quantum physics, once the race starts, we know our real situation in the race hierarchy, subsequently the Heisenberg uncertainty principle breaks down, hence all our other states of existence cease to be and  reality sets in. As soon as Angel one said “GO”, my reality immediately eventuated, as the gap between Ember and the rest of the field started growing exponentially. Once again Ember will never win. Next year, I will muscle my way to the front of the field for the start, sprint the first 20 metres at the head of the field, before taking up my regular place down the field. At least I could say I was winning the series! This would be no lie, but another imaginative twist from Ember’s world view.

Funny how the duathlon season sneaks up on you. Think is was Monday last week when it occurred to Ember that the season starts in 6 days time. Panic stations! This of course meant a decision to do some training. So as well as the usual commute to work on my bike, lunchtime also meant raking out the running shoes from my filing cabinet at work. Ember works in  a professional office, with a three drawer filing cabinet next to his desk for important hands on material. Top drawer, clothes, second drawer shoes, bottom drawer food. Importantly, Ember keeps a ready supply of Otega Mexican black beans with jalapenos when he just cannot hang out for that next vindaloo any longer. So, once the temptation of the personal tuck shop were avoided, running kit on, and off we go for a run to the top of Mount Vic. Well, when I say run, shuffle would be more accurate to describe my own style and when I say top of Mount Vic, not really quite the top, and when I say Mount Vic, not really Mount Vic but the level calm of Oriental Bay. Fact is, Ember imagines more training than he actually does. One more thing, when I say usual commute to work on my bike, I actually mean train, not the exercise thingy but the choo choo type. Another confession from the disinclined athlete. I am not the only one who trains erratically as last years points winner Tony Buckingham confessed on his facebook page. Perhaps this strategy does work.

It is good to be back at Scorching Bay. Our spiritual home, of fun, frolicking and in Ember’s case, failure. Scorching Bay took a bit of a bruising in the storm so it was a great day last week to see so many Scorchees and supporters come down with spades, rakes and brushes to clean up the mess. I really applaud community spirit to get on with things, no ifs or buts, but a common drive to clean up an idyllic piece of Wellington coastline. Ember was there doing his bit, or was this, like his training, a figment of his bizarre imagination once again. Contractually, I can neither confirm nor deny if I was there. Contractually, I can neither confirm firm nor deny if I have a contract. Thankfully the sea which took the beach for a tour of Wellington harbour seems to have brought most of it back. No doubt we will be getting a post card from wherever the beach has been on it’s winter holiday. If there is an Oceanographer amongst the Scorchees, please explain what went on with the mysterious sojourn of the sand.

So off we go. BOOM! Reality. I really should train a bit harder! Maybe I really should just train!

Once again, Ember paid no attention to the pre event brief. A shuffle in direction will really confuse the TomTom sat nav on the bike later on, let alone Smouldering Ember now. Going to be really annoyed by that message “Recalculating route”, as I cycle away contrary to the programmed course. Off we go. Also thanks for the mountaineering type start getting off the beach, Angels have a wicked sense of humour at our expense.  While taking in the run Ember was keeping an eye out for bits of his property which literally took off in the storm of a few weeks ago. Bits of stuff went everywhere. Found non. Oh well!

To transition, Ember escaped the attention of the transition police for a change. Sometimes, it seems that we have been transported back to the 60’s and a totalitarian Eastern European state where everyone is watching everyone and everything what you do. Perhaps not everyone is as paranoid as Ember in transition and just get on with things, in the appropriate way. But some of those in transition control suspect who Ember is and are always trying to catch and identify him or her.

The reconstructed cycle course was equally confusing. I turned the sat nav off as I was having an argument with it. Bit like the old days when driving the car with Mrs Ember following the map, except I have never found the switch to turn her off! The boisterous Wellington wind kept the bike ride honest and wobbly and now and again stationary! It is only in Wellington where you can honestly say you can stand still while peddling furiously. Those skinny types on carbon bikes can even go backwards in the face of a Wellington tempest!

Back into Eastern Europe. Now where did I put my running shoes? It never occurs at the time when changing to leave your shoes where you can find them for when you need them again. Eventually shoes back on and out again for another run. The pain. Schopenhauer was right, wouldn’t you say? Life without pain has no meaning. Duathlons gives life meaning. The  sand blast every now and again reminds you of the meaning of life. Which numpty said duathlons were easy so do the long ones?

Good to be back for fresh season. Congratulations to the 4 lifers, Helen, Di, Gene and Bondy.  An exclusive Scorcher club. As for the unicyclists, respect, but do you not think it would be more sensible to have at least two wheels? Muppets! Actually, jealousy as Ember has only slight  sense of balance. Thanks to everyone for making this a fun event. Thanks Angels and all the volunteers who make this work. Thanks especially the transition control marshals, without you chaos would ensue. However, can only give 7/10 for weather. Sort the wind out Angels!!!

Please remember the content in this match report as is the case in all match reports written by Smouldering Ember is a combination of lies, half truths, myth, fabrication etc …….. or is it? – Discuss.

Smouldering Ember is on FaceBook
Smouldering Ember almost has more friends than the real person behind this tale of invention. I feel an imminent identity crisis coming on.

So who is Smouldering Ember? Smouldering Ember is the “Scorching Ambassador”.  Someone who “got the series”. Who understood what it was about and who could best share this with other participants by the way of helpful blogs  and any other way in which to best spread the word on the street about the Scorchers throughout the season. They are just a regular punter at the Scorchers, who loves a little mystery around their identity.

Look out for more from the Smouldering Ember as the season progresses.

Smouldering Ember is also happy to take questions, so don’t be shy..